November 19

bs''d

After my November 18 post, I was glad to read Tzvi Kilov's piece, "When a Non-Jew Asked What I Believe", and see some of my frustrations echoed there.

(Except because of his choice of audience/venue/voice, he waxes poetic instead of just saying "I'm just trying to be true to myself and end up with all these contradictions.".)

It amazes me, today like yesterday, that the Jews are set to be pitted against "perfect faith".  I know this will come out for good, and I pray there won't be too much bad nursing in the meanwhile.

The combination of this knowing and praying leads to me being really scared to jump into the role that I think I'm designed to have in what comes next.  I want to keep writing.  Writing is safe.  I want to stop writing.  I want to stick with connecting with people I already feel safe around.  Strangers are scary.  And especially the ones with the, umm, "Israeli" mindset, i.e. the ones I would grow most by reaching out to.  And I feel rude trying to connect with people through anything more than writing or pure audio, whom I met over the internet.

(Alright, there's two true sentences in the above.  Continuing though...)

Armored Skeptic's character gives me courage.  Sargon of Akkad's non-character gives me courage.  I know I shouldn't start on youtube unless a desire emerges for me to do so...I tried once and quickly realized my mistake.  But perhaps if I hide my face...(See Likutei Moharan 60 for an archetype of why this might help...My videos would probably not be strictly "torah", but they would probably be something intense.  Namely, they would be me.  I am intense. xD)

We'll see.  I need to think of a good costume.