Post -- November 6 (Shabbat) / November 7 / November 8

bs''d

This effort is already a flop, but that is utterly OK.  Beginnings are all about the flopping.  Think Magikarp, or Feebas.  (Or look at Likutei Moharan 62:5)

Here I tried to go backwards by days, and mention honestly some thoughts I had on each day.

I don't know if I succeeded or not.

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November 8

If I had an opportunity to stop driving, I hope I would take it.  After all, driving is very dangerous.

I worry that I will remain in places where the alternative to driving is isolation.  Between the two, I know that isolation can hurt more than driving can*.  But between the two, I know that I almost always choose isolation.

*(i.e. isolation, the sort I'm talking about anyway, is worse than death)

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Judgement (why not, I'll include this, but keep it separate)

Maybe I fear the alternative to isolation more than I fear death.  What is that alternative?  Why would I fear it so much?

(It is probably that "success" that everyone fears...but what kind of success...)

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November 7

In some areas, the law lets a person do something, that I know hurts them a lot.  And it doesn't let another person do the same thing, supposedly because it hurts them a lot.

I find it hard to play by the rules in those areas.  You'd think I mean it's hard not to go too far, but in practice I find it hard to uphold the law.

(i.e. I do uphold the law, if my wits are about me.  If they're not, it's hard.)

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Judgement

Why's this my tendency?

Maybe because it feels just as wrong letting the person who legally "may" do what they do...being in a position where I do that, I am already morally "defeated", so why should I keep playing?

Or maybe -- and this is probably being a bit too generous with myself --  maybe I feel that by supporting our artificial boundary, I am eroding the real one.

It's usually a mix of the good and bad reasons, right?

But that bad reason is extremely bad...the worst of the worst, even.  A person could do absolutely anything, if they convince themselves of this reason strongly enough, ch''v.

Don't do that, Jeremy!  Get up!

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November 6

I know that the "unimportant" things, like bedroom tidiness and tasty food, hide really cool secrets.

(e.g. food as a vessel holds the promise, or the dread of the future life it represents; its flavor can show the "shape" of the vessel, though I don't know exactly how.)

I also know that in the wrong hands, those things can become truly unimportant, or even evil.

("dread" was the word I used, yes.)

I have asked many times that the days of my life should go to a more skillful set of hands, if such a set exists.  I hope every day that I've been answered, but just in case, I try to make a point of showing that willingness again.  Then I know that what I have is a gift, and is for me.

I wish knowing were enough.  The words for this idea are usually there, but if the idea were in my heart properly, I would live a much more...controversial...life.

I hope this blog will help.

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Yeah, two sentences is the minimum :P This is just a trick to get myself to actually start writing, though.